How Do These Heart's Unfold
by Haligh Haligh
Summary: They survived four years of residency before they finally fell apart but this is how they come back together. A story of giving up, and giving in, breaking apart and slowly learning to put the pieces back together. Set during season 9. Jackson, April, and the pregnancy storyline we should have gotten to see.
1. The Prologue - Your Hand In Mine

Hey guys, I've had this idea in my head ever since the elevator scene in 9x02. Review and let me know how you like it.

This is a ten part story, the next few chapters are significantly longer.

**Prologue - Your Hand In Mine (still burns after all this time)**

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_❝This is a place where horrible things happen. You were right to go. You're probably escaping disaster.  
Look at me. I practically grew up here, and you're right, it's hurt me in ways I'll probably never get over.  
I have a lot of memories of people. People I've lost forever. But I have a lot of other memories too.  
This is the place where I fell in love. The place where I found my family. This is where I learned to be a doctor.  
Where I learned how to take responsibility for someone else's life. And it's the place where I met you.  
So I figure this place has given me as much as it's taken away from me. I've lived here as much as I've survived here.  
It just depends on how I look at it. I'm gonna choose to look at it that way, and remember you that way.**"**_

She's halfway to the airport before the first tear falls and another two kilometers closer to getting on the plane before she realizes she can't leave.  
It's not until the car pulls up at the terminal that she asks the taxi driver to turn around and take her back to where he picked her up from.

It's hard to pin point what it is exactly that makes her change her mind. Maybe it's the realization that if she gets on the plane back to Ohio she may never see her best friend again, never find out exactly what it is they have between them, or maybe it's that she'll have the chance to prove what a great surgeon she really is, that she has what it takes to make it. Maybe this is it. The defining moment in her life, where she finally has to go one way or another.  
Finally move past the crossroad she's been stuck at for the last twenty eight years.

By the time the taxi drops her off outside Joe's, she's out $150, drenched from head to toe and convinced this is all a mistake.  
As far as she knows he was only being polite when he asked her to wait for him after work,  
but when she walks through the door he's there sitting in one of the booths at the back of the bar.

The bar's relatively quiet for a Friday night. She spots a few of the regulars sitting at the counter,  
a handful of college kids nursing beers and watching the game and two interns from the hospital playing darts at the back of the room.  
His head's down and his shoulders are hunched but even halfway across the room, he's still so beautiful it makes her heart ache.

The walk over to his table seems like eternity, although it can't be longer than ten seconds,  
he's too busy burning holes into the table in front of him to notice her arrival.

"Hey." It's such a small word and it seems insignificant given everything that's happened between them but at the moment she's still too shocked that he's even here to think of anything else.

His eyes flick up to meet hers and she can see the small glimmer of disbelief that pool in them before it quickly disappears.

"You came." His voice is hoarse and his eyes are red and it's obvious to her he's been drinking for awhile.

"I just.. I was on the way to the airport and I just.. I came back." It's not enough, but she doesn't know where else to start.  
From a young age, her mother had always told her she was good with words, but right now looking at him, it's hard for her to even form a sentence.

"But you did leave. You were just going to leave without saying goodbye, right?" There's an edge to his voice and she starts to suspect  
that maybe there's something else going on with him. Maybe there's a deeper meaning to this conversation.

It takes her a minute to realize she's still standing there, holding onto her suitcase, watching him drain the last of the drink in front of him.  
She slides into the seat opposite him, and watches his hands pick at the loose paint peeling off the edge of the table.

"I.. It's complicated, Jackson. I knew if I saw you I wouldn't be able to say goodbye. You're going to Tulane, and Sloan's better and I.. I thought it would be better if I just left." He lowers his head to the table, then raises it, unshed tears shining in his eyes as she feels something inside her cave in on itself,  
but it's his next words that squeeze the remaining air out of her lungs.

"Sloan's gone, April." He says, while he signals Joe for another round. "It was a surge. Webber said it would happen, and we didn't listen. We didn't believe him. He was there talking to me and then I went to get Sofia and when I got back to his room he was just.. gone. I should have realized.. I should have done something. Damn it." His hand slams down on the table, sending the empty glass upside down.

She's speechless for a moment, while it sinks in and she takes a breath, wills herself not to cry.  
She's thought over the past few months, that she's cried all the tears she could, but it turns out that maybe she hasn't.

Sloan was the only other person Jackson really had in his life, and over the last few months she knows how much of a father figure he had become to him.  
The way the older surgeon had taken him under his wing, shaped him and moulded him into a stronger version of himself, showed him that he didn't need the legacy his grandfather had created to prove what a great doctor he could be.

"God Jackson, I'm so sorry. I.. I'm so sorry" It's the tears in his eyes that have her reaching over the table to pull his hand into hers,  
ignoring the tightening in her stomach when she does. He doesn't pull away, so she guesses that counts for something.

"I guess that's life, huh. Everyone leaves. My dad, Charles, Mark, You." His words are like a physical punch to her stomach,  
and it's hard for her to breathe for a moment. "You think I'd be used to it by now."

"Jackson, I'm so sorry, I was scared." There are phrases and moments and years worth of unsaid feelings remaining inside her stomach but she can't stop here because she doesn't know if she'll ever have the strength to empty them all out again..

"I got scared. I am scared. That I'm not a good enough surgeon, a good christian, even a good friend, and I got scared that I was going to be stuck in this city while you all went off and did these amazing things, and I'd just be stuck here with all these ghosts of the people we've lost and you weren't going to be here to protect me." His face softens slightly at that and he lowers his eyes to the table. "You're always protecting me."

"You're my best friend, Jackson." She can tell her honesty scares him a little bit, but they've both been through so much, and she wants to believe,  
wants him to believe that their connection can never be cut with distance or time. Her words hang in the air, like a cloud of cigarette smoke.

Involuntarily, his eyes lower to the table, head bowing slightly, as he tries to hide the fact that what she's said hits him like a physical blow.

If the past few months have taught her anything it's that you have to keep the people you love closest to you. How easy life can turn on a dime.  
Isn't that what Callie had told them, only hours before her wife had lost her leg and her daughter had lost her father.

He looks at her again, and their eyes stay locked for longer than they should. But she can't bear to pull away, and neither can he.  
They sit there in silence, facing each other, until his hand skims across the table and grabs onto hers, holding it.  
He holds her gaze, before nodding and saying quietly, "I know."

They're interrupted by Joe who brings over another drink for Jackson, and places a cocktail in front of April.  
It's obvious he can tell the severity of their conversation so he gives her a small smile in greeting before making his way back behind the bar.

"So we're okay?" She says. "Me and you?" She knows the answer he'll give her, but she needs to hear it anyway, to be physically reassured.

There's still conversations they need to have, and decisions she has to make. Decisions she's not ready to yet, but it's a start.

"Yeah. Me and you." He agrees quietly, smiling slightly in that way that almost feels like it belongs to her,  
like there's no one else he'd smile at quite like that. She can feel her cheeks flush and she looks down at the table,  
distracting herself by fishing the cherry out of her drink. She pulls it from its stem with her teeth.

His smile fades, and the way he looks at her then makes it hard for her to breathe. She wants him to keep looking at her like that, even though she knows she shouldn't. He's just lost a friend, and she's still leaving for Moline, but there's a part of her that wants to be selfish. Just once.

His cellphone beeping breaks their eye contact, and she feels a tug beneath her bellybutton when he looks away.

"It's Karev. His surgery's running late so he's staying at the hospital tonight." He put's a $50 down on the table and stands up.

"Where are you staying tonight?" He asks.

"Oh.. I was umm. I was going to find a hotel." She says, hating the way her voice wobbles slightly. She hadn't thought anything through before turning her taxi around and coming back here.

"April, don't be stupid. Come back to the apartment." His voice is like velvet, and she wants to tell him no, because she's scared to be alone with him again, but he's just lost the only other person he was close to, and she knows he needs his best friend tonight, that he can't be alone again.

So she doesn't argue, doesn't listen to the voice in her head telling her it's a bad idea. Just agrees with him, and slides out of the booth to pick up her suitcase. "Okay." She breathes, placing her hand on his chest to steady herself. She forgets to pull her hand away, and her stomach does a backflip when she can feel his heart beating beneath his shirt. A staccato rhythm so loud, she's sure she can almost hear it.

His eyes darken as he moves his hands to rest on her hips, to steady her, she tells herself, but she can feel the edges of this fingertips moving against the waistband of her jeans.

She takes another deep breath, and he seems to snap out of it. He reaches out with his free hand, and cups her cheek, using his thumb to wipe away the stray tears she wasn't aware had escaped.

He lets his forehead rest against hers, and she can feel his breath on her lips, so close that she can't help the shudder that runs down her spine.  
She's still worried about him breaking down, but it's mixed with the fear of having him so close again, of them reaching this point.  
Whether or not they're ready for this. What this means exactly.

The arm he offers her is a beacon of hope, a peace offering. A reminder of the moment they had shared the night of Webber's dinner.  
It's exactly what she wants and what she needs crashing into one.

"Let's go home."

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**Read, review, and let me know what you think. Part two coming tomorrow.**


	2. Part One - First Breath After Coma

**Thank you for all the amazing feedback! Here's the first chapter. Hope you enjoy it.**

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**1/10 - Starting Over.**

It takes ten minutes for them to get back to the apartment. Jackson hands the cab driver a twenty,  
while she stares up at the building that's been her home for the last few months.  
It feels weird to think she'd ever wanted to leave it all behind. He takes her hand and leads her up the stairs,  
only pausing to fish the keys out of his pocket and turn them in the lock.

The first thing she notices is the boxes of her things piled beside the front door.  
Her name and address back in Ohio printed neatly on the top.  
It was only yesterday that she'd packed them, but it feels like a lifetime since then.

She realises that he's standing there looking at her, and maybe it's her turn to make the first move.  
She's been making a lot of those lately.

The heat in his eyes lights her desire, and it's almost enough to make her forget about everything that's brought them here. Almost.

"Jackson. We have to talk about this." She says.

It's the last thing she wants to do, but the rational part of her brain knows they need to understand what this means.

"I know. Just not tonight. Please." He begs, hoarsely. His fingertips dig in to her sides just a bit.  
He's so close that she can feel the warmth radiating from him on her skin.  
He's been so strong through everything that she know's it's only a matter of time before he falls apart.

So she does the only thing she can. She holds him tightly, wraps her arms around him, pressing him impossibly close to her chest.  
He doesn't cry, just takes deep breaths. After a moment she can feel the damp spots along her collarbone.  
She closes her eyes, and runs her fingers up and down his back, like her mother did for her when she was a child.

She holds on to him, and presses her fingertips into his spine, _her love_, and hopes it finds its way into his heart.

It seems like hours they stay like that, huddled together, arms holding on to each other, for something that is only just returning.  
She know's she should be asking for how long, but she doesn't.  
Makes a silent promise to herself that she won't let go until he does.

Her stomach does a backwards flip when she realizes she can hear his heart beat.  
It means they're alone. The house is silent. She thinks maybe he realizes at the same time she does,  
because he cups her jaw with his hand, thumb stroking her cheek. When he leans in, she lets go of her anxiety and opens her mouth,  
closes her eyes when he kisses her.

She tries to wrap her brain around what is happening, to rationalise the insanity of this strangely magnetic pull he has over her,  
but fails miserably as his mouth sweeps away all logic, can feel her heart pound violently against her chest, comforted by the swift pounding of his own,  
the frantic beats overlapping in perfect harmony. His mouth never leaves hers, sliding fluidly over bruised lips, threatening to swallow her entirely.  
They kiss him until his lips are swollen and hers are red and bruised. He tastes of scotch and spearmint and whatever he had for dinner at the hospital.

She's not sure who leads who but eventually they end up in the hallway, his hands pushing her backwards towards his bedroom.  
She shakes her head and pulls him into her old room. The double bed, neatly made, is the only possession left in the room.  
In a way it seems fitting, the empty room is a reminder that this is new, starting over. Maybe this time they can have a clean slate.

When he lays her down on the mattress She feels everything in the way that he looks at her.  
Alive and adventurous, and out of breath all at the same time. It's terrifying really, how just the sight of him sets  
every one of her nerve endings on fire.

She sees her lipstick smeared on him and imagines how it must look on her own face. He pulls her hair free from its pony tail,  
releasing her the curls down her back. His hand sinks into her hair when he holds her head still for another kiss

"April." When she kisses his neck, the sound of her name is so soft that she isn't even sure he's spoken them aloud,  
but it hangs in the air, strangely endearing, echoing in her ears, wrapped in magnetic electricity,  
a current that has been building between them since their first night at the boards.

They don't speak after that, as they undress, hands running over skin as he pushes into her, as they come together once again.  
It feels good for her to think of it that way. From her fingertips to her toes. There's no more protests in her head or in her heart,  
just the feel of their lips and skin, and she wants to remember this moment. The moment between them when everything is shifting and changing,  
while the outside world continues to spin in it's own perfect motion.

Afterwards they lay together, legs tangled and bodies intertwined.  
Her eyes flutter open, traveling over his face. His remained closed, and he looks content, almost serene.  
Her heart tugs at the thought that she could bring him a sense of peace, something that seems to have constantly evaded him the last few months.  
Maybe this is what her sisters had meant when they told her what falling in love feels like.

He leans over and kisses her, and her head still full of foolish fantasies, she kisses him back eagerly, pressing her body against his.

"The first week after you told me you chose Tulane I already missed you. I was scared to go to sleep, because I knew eventually I'd wake up and you wouldn't be here anymore." She says. "That's why I left Jackson. I had to leave you before you left me. I wouldn't have been able to take it."

He looks at her for a long time before answering. "I wont ever leave you, April."

He's so vulnerable in that moment, that she can feel her heart swell up with affection for him.

It's a frightening feeling, like laying her heart on an operating table and handing someone a scalpel, but trusting that they won't use it.  
Giving him her love means giving him the power to hurt her more than anyone else ever has. But if she's honest with herself she's always loved him.  
Maybe up until now, it was never crossed the line past friendship, but he's always been so careful with her in the past.  
He deserves all the love she can give him.

_I love you_, she thinks as she watches him fall asleep, almost certain she can hear it echoed back,  
by the steady breathing and soft beating of his heart.

The rain against the window is what eventually wakes her up.

She sits up slowly, sliding from the bed, picking up his t shirt to cover her body as she silently walks to the bathroom.  
She brushes her teeth and stares at the reflection looking back at her in the mirror, notices the faint red outlines along her neck  
from Jacksons mouth. Her hair has always seemed redder in the moonlight, skin paler, eyes darker. She think's she looks older.

After the shooting, it took her months to put herself back to what she was. She'd lost a best friend, and a colleague, and one of the last remaining pieces of innocence she was holding on to. Maybe that's why the aftermath of giving up her virginity was such a tremendous deal. She wasn't innocent anymore.

At Reed's funeral, she'd worn black, and her new high heels. She'd held hands with Dr Bailey and Jackson,  
but at the time it felt more like they were holding on to her. She couldn't remember how to work her hands anymore.  
They'd sat in the front row, and stood when they were supposed to, and she'd sung the hymns she'd learnt in church as a child,  
and when they'd lowered the coffin into the ground all she could focus on was the warmth of his Jackson's hand as they threw  
the first shovel of dirt into the ground.

She was younger then, even though it was only a year ago. She's so different now. A year can change a lot.

She's never told anyone but she see's her sometimes. Reed.  
When she's walking through the corridors, or leaving work, when she's drinking at Joe's after a long shift.  
She see's the glimpse of dark her, and hears the tinkle of her laughter, and it's so real that it makes her heart stop and her knees weak,  
and all she can think of is the girl who started as her best friend and ended laying on the hospital floor in a pool of her own blood.

For the first few months there was no escape, just darkness. Every night the memories would lull her into sleep, the follow her into her dreams.  
She'd wake up with bloody hands and stained scrubs while Jackson screamed out across the hallway for the best friend he'd lost.

Reed was the only one who understood who she really was. Even Jackson doesn't, hasn't fully seen her yet.  
She can't help resent that she knows so much about everyone else around her, but no one knows the little things about her, not anymore.  
How she takes her tea scolding hot, that she can barely sleep more than four hours a night.  
How she know's the lines to every Molly Ringwald movie, even the one's she doesn't like.

He sits up, the sheets slipping off his shoulders, when she re enters the bedroom but doesn't move to fix it.  
She moves inside and closes the door with a quiet click, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a sigh.  
She glances at him for a moment before her eyes flutter closed again, and whispers, "Hey."

All of the conversations they need to have can wait until the morning. For this moment it's just them. The two of them,  
and if she's sure of anything it's that they can make it through this.

They're two broken puzzles, missing pieces of themselves, because they can't be anything without each other, right?  
They have to be complete, because if not then this was all just a waste.  
Everything they've been through was just a waste of time and effort and heartache and life will never be able to shine as brightly as it once did.  
They're made for each other, made to fill the empty spaces.

He's the first one to rise the next morning, his hands brushing back her hair as she helps her out of bed and into the kitchen.  
She accepts the cup of scalding coffee he pours her with her bare hands, sipping at the steaming drink immediately,  
not really caring when it burns her tongue or makes her wince.

He sits down beside her and they look at each other. She know's he want's to say something but she just rests her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes and feeling the warmth of his body. He takes her smaller hand in his and they stay like that, just touching.

They sit there for what feels like hours not talking. It sounds strange, but they've always been good at it,  
spent hours in operating rooms and skills labs practicing, neither of them noticing the silence until they've broken it.  
She'd never realised how much she didn't have to say, until she had someone to say it to.

She makes pancakes for breakfast, and they spend the next few hours huddled together watching re runs of Law and Order on tv before he has to start his shift. It's only when he mentions the rhinoplasty he has scheduled for this afternoon that she realises she no longer has a job at the hospital anymore.

"Will you come with me to the hospital later?" He asks her, and when she ask him why, he explains that he wants to say goodbye to his mentor.

The will Sloan had signed stated that he only wanted hospital care for thirty days before they turned off the machines,  
unless there was any sign of brain activity, but both Jackson and April don't have to be doctors to know that he won't wake up again.

She nods and squeezes his hand, as she moves off the couch towards the boxes stacked by the front door, looking for something to wear.  
They'll need to be unpacked eventually, phone calls to her parents to let them know she's staying will have to be made,  
and she'll have to find a job, but for now that can wait.

When she emerges from the bedroom half an hour later, freshly showered and make up done, he's waiting for her by the door.  
They drive together in comfortable silence, April occasionally singing along to songs on the radio and Jackson criticizing the other drivers on the road.  
It's something so small, but so familiar that she can hold on to, almost like nothings really changed.  
It makes her smile to herself, and reach across the console to take his hand in hers.

The hospital is exactly the way she remember it, which shouldn't be much of a surprise seeing as she was only here twelve hours ago.  
The only difference is the gloomy cloud that seems to hang above it.  
The weather seems fitting given the reason she's here. To commemorate the life of a fallen comrade.

They walk hand in hand to the coffee cart and she's thankful to not have seen any of their colleagues.  
She doesn't even realize he's ordered until he places the caramel latte in her hand and they're already in the elevator.  
When they step out onto the ICU floor, he falters for just a second, but it's enough for her to place her hand on his arm and walk them towards Sloans room. The older man's room is quiet, and the only sounds come from the rhythmic beeping of the monitors beside his bedside.  
Pale skin, and eyes closed, he looks more peaceful then she has ever seen him, but it makes her chest ache to know she'll never see the trademark smirk on his face again.

She places a soft kiss on the man's cool skin, and whispers a small prayer that he finds Lexie up in heaven.  
She knows despite Sloan's strength, that's the reason he was so ready to let go.  
How do you live in a world where you've lost the one person who mattered most to you.

Jackson remains frozen at the entrance to the room, and all she can do is pull him against her in a gentle embrace.

"I'll meet you in the cafeteria when you're ready." She says, and she can tell despite his silence he's grateful for the alone time with his mentor.

She walks around the hospital twice before she ends up in front of the nursery, gazing through the window at the newborns inside their cribs.  
How peaceful they seem, unaware of the struggles going on inside the hallways of this hospital.

That's where Hunt finds her, twenty minutes later. He doesn't seem all that surprised to see her here, despite the end of her contract,  
just stands beside her looking at the activity inside the NICU.

They stand there for a few minutes, watching the nurses attend to the babies before he asks to speak to her in his office.  
She follows him down the corridor and no sooner is she sitting in front of his desk, does he offer her her job back.

"I keep trying to think of ways I could have done things differently, and if I.. If I realised they were missing sooner, if I had told Christina.."  
He pauses to rest his head in his hands and she feels a pang of sorrow for the older man, who's seen so much and experienced so much weight on his shoulders.

"I keep looking for do-overs.. but there's no do-overs. It's just the way it is, and I can't fix that. Except for this. For you. I didn't teach you the way I should have. I should have made you be strong, instead of kicking when you were down."

She doesn't blame him, not really. He was looking out for the hospital. He's always been looking out for them.

"I should have never taken your job from you, April."

He doesn't give her a chance to speak, just hands her the forms she needs to sign to be reinstated along with her ID badge, and then she's back down in the cafeteria.

She spots Meredith and Alex eating lunch outside, and grabs an apple from the cashier before sitting down beside them.

"Hey guys."

"Kepner. What the hell are you doing here? Didn't you get fired?"  
It's hard to understand him through his mouthful of fries, but she'll admit she'd have missed Alex if she had gone back to Moline.

"Hunt offered me my job back. Just now." She says, and it's hard to keep the smile off her face.

"That's great, April." Meredith says, and she's grateful to the blonde surgeon for the encouragement.

"Yeah, yeah. Really great." Alex says as he dumps his tray into the trash. "I gotta run, we're doing a _ on a baby in pedes." He says walking inside.

"How are you?" She asks. Meredith might be the same age as her, but she's gone through so many more things that April ever has.  
Losing a baby, a sister, almost losing her husband, and her best friend leaving town that there's only so much a person can take before they break.

"I'm fine. Surviving." Meredith says, offering her a small smile as she finishes her lunch. "I'm glad you're back, April."

"Yeah, me too."

It's only seconds after Meredith leaves that she feels Jackson sit down beside her, snatching up a piece of her apple.

"You okay?" She asks, and she's satisfied when he nods his head and puts his arm around her shoulders.

They share the last of her apple, and she tells him what Hunt had said to her while he was with Mark.  
When she gets to the part about him offering her her job back, he leans over and kisses her.

"That's really great." He says, and the smile he gives her is contagious.  
They spend the next few minutes talking about his upcoming surgeries before his pager goes off, and he has to leave, offering her a quick kiss as he runs upstairs to change into his scrubs.

"I'll see you at home."

The next few days pass in a blur, as she gets re acquainted with the hospital.  
She catches up on her patients, and meets the interns and before she knows it she's ready for her first surgery since being back.

She has a hernia consult with Jackson scheduled for his patient, and he smiles at her when she walks in the room.

"This is Dr Kepner, she's going to be repairing your hernia." He says to the patient, as his intern gives a brief run down of what they'll be doing. April's never been the jealous type but she can't help but notice the way the darker haired intern's eyes keep straying to her boyfriend.

It's strange to think of him as that, she's never really had a boyfriend before, but the last few days everything between them has been going so well.  
He'd taken her out for dinner last night, after her shift and then they'd spent the night in bed catching up on lost time.

The look that he gives her as they listen to their patient ask how soon she can sleep with her fiance after the surgery, causes her insides to tighten.  
The butterflies inside her own stomach seem more like giant wasps delivering toxin throughout her bloodstream.

It's enough to make her grab his hand and request a quick consult in the on call room before they prepare for their surgery.

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**Thanks for all the amazing reviews everyone, they're really appreciated. The next part will be up tomorrow. **  
**Stay tuned for angst, drama and a ridiculous amount of feels.**

**Also, what's your favourite Jackson/April song? Does anyone else think 'Only If For A Night' By Florence and The Machine matches their relationship perfectly.**


	3. Part Two - Our Last Days As Children

Hey faithful readers, thanks so much for the reviews. You're all incredible.  
I've made a playlist to go along with this story which you can find at 8tracks(dotcom)/lushcola/me-you

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Part Two - Our Last Days As Children

The next few weeks fly by, and nothing really changes. They still haven't talked about any of the issues since the night she came back to the bar.  
Occasionally when it's just the two of them she'll try and broach the subject but Jackson is always more than willing to distract her with sex,  
and for the most part April's happy to agree.

It becomes a habit for the two of them, to lose themselves in each other instead of talking about what's going on around them.

And it works. For awhile.

She babysits Zola once a week, and cooks dinner for Jackson and Alex every other night.  
They watch movies and read magazines around the apartment and have drinks with everyone at Joe's on nights when they're not on call.  
Life goes on and nothing really changes.

A month after she's back at work, Catherine Avery comes to town for a surgery.

Jackson doesn't know his mothers in town, so while he's doing a craniofacial surgery, the elder surgeon pulls her out of the attendings lounge and takes her to the restaurant across the street for lunch.

As they wait for their food to arrive Catherine starts talking, and April's not sure what's more surprising; when she asks her to scrub in with her on her upcoming surgery, despite the embarassing experience with the dorsel vein she had last time or when she wants too know how long she's been dating her son.

"Uh.. What?" She know's Jackson hasn't told his mother, they haven't really told anyone apart from Meredith, Christina and Alex.

"Honey, it's written all over your face. And it's about damn time if you ask me. Now tell me when I can expect some grandbabies."

Despite being embarrassed, she can't help but smile, she's always admired Jackson's mother, as a surgeon and as a woman so she eats her pasta salad and answers Catherine's questions and even manages to laugh when she insists on telling her all about her own sex life, which April finds out with a grimace is currently involving her former chief of surgery.

After a slightly awkward talk involving the loss of her own virginity and an inquisition on her boyfriends workload, she spends the next five hours in surgery with Jackson, his mother, Dr Webber and Dr Bailey.

When they finally make it home at four in the morning after the end of a 36 hour shift, she can tell the idea of his mother and Dr Webber is bothering him. She'd seen the little confrontation they'd had outside the patients room, but Jackson doesn't want to talk about with her, instead insisting they watch a movie. She's too tired to argue so she agrees and is asleep before the credits roll.

He's already at the hospital by the time she wakes up, and she doesn't get the opportunity to speak to him again until the following day. Jackson paged her to meet him in the cafeteria for lunch and by the time April can manage to get out of the ER and down there he's already in line.

She's about to cut in and join him, when she see's him talking to Stephanie the intern. That would never normally stop her, but it's the way their heads are so close together, and the hand on his shoulder that holds her back. She slips into an empty seat and watches them continue their conversation, before the darker haired girl smiles and walks away. Jackson would never cheat on her. She knows that deep down.

But just because he wouldn't physically commit the act, doesn't mean he wont want to, right?

When he sits down beside her and hands her a caramel latte and half his fries she smiles at him and tries to forget what she saw.

By October, Christina is back from Minnesota and everything in the hospital is back to the way it used to be.  
Meredith is happier, now that she has her person back, Alex is busy harassing the interns and Jackson is taking on more and more surgeries.

As happy as she is with the way things are going on lately, the unresolved issues in their relationship are still there lurking beneath the surface.

It's the same push and pull. She asks him questions, he changes the subject, or distracts her with sex. He spends more nights on call or in surgery.  
She know's he's still having nightmares, she's the one that wakes him up almost every night.

When she tries to start a conversation with him after a brief liaison in the on call room he manages to sneak out while she has her back turned getting dressed, and she spends the next few hours looking for him around the hospital.

She finally pulls him into a storeroom on the fifth floor after she has a nurse send him a false page.

"Will you stop avoiding me. You don't get to have sex with me and then just walk out whenever I want to talk about something. I deserve more than that." He rests his hands on the desk behind him as she paces around the room.

They still haven't really defined their relationship, despite the fact she thinks of him as her boyfriend and they spend nearly all of their free time together, in and out of the hospital. She know's she's being insecure, but whenever she feels they're getting closer together, he begins to pull away. It's driving her crazy, and distracting her from work.

"What about me, what I want?" He says, and she can't help but be a little confused.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore April. With you or with anyone. "

"Jackson, you've been burying yourself in surgeries. Even your mother's worried. You're going to burn out at the rate your going. If you're avoiding me, or you want out of this, just tell me."

"I don't want out of this, April. I just.. " He's interrupted by his pager.

"Look, I've got to go, I have a surgery."

She's too speechless to say anything as he darts back out the door and down to the OR.

She prays to god for an incoming trauma to take her mind off her relationship troubles for the next few hours and can't help but smile at the roof when her pager goes off with a 911 from the ER.

He finds her later to apologize when she's updating her patient files.

He's still not ready to talk yet, but he holds her hand on the way to the car, and he buys pizza with olives and extra pineapple for dinner,  
even though he doesn't like them, but he knows she does. They have a long way to go, but it's a start.

The other shoe drops a week later when she's listening to the plans for Dr Baileys wedding and realizes what date it is.

November 10th.

She's been so busy with work, and Jackson that she hadn't even realized that she was late.

It takes her two hours to track him down in the ER and pull him into an exam room.  
He tries to kiss her, but she makes him take a seat on the bed.

"I'm late."

It's obvious he doesn't understand what she means when he asks "Late for What?" so she says it again,  
looking at him in a way that implores him to understand.

"Four days. I've never been four days late in my life."

"Oh… Wow"

After he gets over the initial shock he takes her hand and tells her they'll get a blood test, that there's no reason to worry out until they know for sure.  
It calms her down, but only slightly.

Of course, there would be consequences for having pre marital sex, and she's sure Jesus is punishing her.

Before they can do anything else she's rushed into an emergency trauma surgery and Torres assigns him on Shepherds case.

When she's finally out of surgery three hours later she's exhausted and waiting for him in an exam room, when Meredith finds her.

She doesn't want to tell anyone, but she can't help being honest with the other surgeon.  
They've built a strong friendship over the last couple of months, with the plane crash and Christina leaving, the other surgeon has taken April under her wing so she tells her the truth.

"You're pregnant?"

"I think so. I don't know." She doesn't know, not yet. But she has a feeling she doesn't need the blood test to tell her what the answer is.

"April, plans never really work out the way you think they're going to, especially with babies. You try and try to get pregnant, and you cant and then a baby comes when you least expect it. Probably because you didn't plan it. Plan's don't mean anything." Meredith says, and she can't help but find some comfort in the words.

But April's had her life planned out since she was seven, and having a baby wasn't a part of that yet.  
Then again, neither was failing to become a board qualified surgeon so she's 0 for 2 right now.

She stays there talking to Meredith until Jackson finds her a few minutes later, taking her hand and leading her into the exam room.  
Her arms trembles when he starts drawing her blood, so he uses his free hand to rub small circles up and down her wrist.

His shoulders are slightly tense and his eyebrows are creased in concentration and she can tell he's nervous too,  
but the brave face he's putting on is comforting. At least one of them can stay strong.

"You okay?" He asks, and it shakes her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah.. I don't know"

"Jackson, I can do this myself. You know, if this isn't what you want.."

It's a way out, if he's not ready to do this with her. They haven't even exchanged I Love You's yet, although she knows love is exactly what she feels towards him. He's from a long legacy of outstanding surgeons, and she's from a farm in Ohio.  
If he thought taking her virginity was unbecoming of an Avery, what would he think of having a baby out of wedlock.

Of course she doesn't want him to take the out, but the option's there. She would never force someone to stay with her because of a baby.

Before he can answer they're interrupted by Karev, who needs her in surgery.  
He finishes taking her blood and gives her a long look before she's pulled out the door, leaving her to fend off Alex's questions and sleazy comments on the way to the OR.

Her nerves get the best of her when she's in surgery with Dr Robbins, and can't get a hold of the suture she's grafting. It'll take awhile for the test results to come back, so she finishes her surgery, then decides to take a nap as soon as she's scrubbed out.

That's where Jackson finds her hours later, gently shaking her awake.

"Hey." He says when she opens her eyes, and she can't help but smile.

"Hey, I was just taking a quick nap. I.. I don't have the results yet." She says sitting up.

He takes her hands in his as he sits down on the bed beside her.

"I'm in." He says quickly. "All the way."

"What?"

"I know this isn't what you planned or how you planned it, but we can do this. We'll get married, have an awesome kid, be amazing parents.. I'm in."

He's speaking so quickly now that she barely has time to process what he's saying, but when he starts speaking about the future they can build,  
with a big house and a wedding with butterflies she cuts him off and kisses him.

"We can really do this?" She asks, and his only reply is his lips meeting hers.

For the next six hours she feels like she's floating on cloud nine, practically skipping around the hospital.  
Meredith gives her a small smile when she passes her in the hallway, and when she sits down next to Alex in the attending's lounge she even laughs at one of his jokes.

Her life feels like it's finally going in the direction it's supposed to be, even after the saga of events that have happened the last two years.  
The only thing missing are Charles and Reed, who she can't help but think would have been their best man and maid of honour.

When her pager goes off that the results are ready while she's at the coffee station she practically dances towards the elevator.

She spots Jackson on the way past the nurses station talking to Meredith and is about to interrupt when she hears the conversation.

"So April's pregnant, huh? I'm really happy for you guys." Meredith says, and April can't help but smile.

"Yeah. We think so." It's the tone of her boyfriends voice that instantly has her a little worried.

"You okay?" Meredith asks and April feels frozen to the spot waiting for him to answer.

He'd seemed so excited with only a few hours ago, he'd practically proposed. Maybe now he was having second thoughts.  
Thinking about the out she had offered him earlier.

"Yeah.. I think so. I don't know. What if I'm not ready to be a dad?" He says, and the bottom of her stomach drops.

"My own was barely around when I was growing up, and after everything that's happened recently. The shooting, Mark, Lexie.. What if this isn't the right time?"

She doesn't hear the rest of the conversation, instead just turns back the way she came and collects the results from the lab.

She texts him ten minutes later to meet her outside, and when she gets there he's already sitting on the bench staring straight ahead.

He puts his arm around her, and they don't speak for a minute. Just sit there, in silence.

Finally she takes the envelope out of her pocket and opens it up.

"Negative." She exhales, trying to calm her shaking hands.

"Not pregnant."

He doesn't say anything, just looks at the ground, but she knows he's relieved.

He'd basically just told Meredith he wasn't ready for a baby. Of course he didn't want his.

"We dodged a bullet." She says, trying to smile although it feels so forced it hurts her cheeks.

"Now we don't have to get married. We're free. Everything can be just like it was." Except that it can't be. She knows that.

When he turns to look at her, it's obvious what he's about to say, she can see it in his expression.

It makes her want to take back everything she's just said, tell him that she didn't really mean it, that she's just trying to protect him, but she can't.  
So she closes her eyes and waits for him to say it.

"Maybe this was a sign. That we needed to stop."

It's like a physical punch to the stomach to hear the words, even though she knew they were coming. It still takes the air out of her lungs and makes it hard to breathe. She want's to tell him he's wrong so badly, argue it at the top of her lungs, but instead she holds her silence because the important thing is to keep moving, and to make it quick.

"Honestly, I think it's for the best."

"Okay." She says, even as the tears burn her eyes.

"If that's what you want."

When he tells her that it is and leaves her there sitting on the bench, she straightens her skirt, checks that her hair is in place,  
and then takes several deep breaths.

He's halfway across the parking lot before she allows herself to look, see's the muscles of his back tensing as he walks away.

She re-opens the piece of paper in her hand and stares at the words written on the inside, unable to process anymore than the first line.

_Positive._

* * *

Thanks so much for reading and all your reviews. I honestly can't tell you how much I appreciate them.  
Just a quick heads up now, the next few chapters are angst filled and a whole lot darker.

Part three should be up in a few days. Look forward to hearing from you all XO.


	4. Part Three - Everything Has Changed

Here's part three. Hope you like it, and look forward to hearing all your thoughts.

* * *

Part three ~ Everything Has Changed.

After the break up they avoid each other for weeks. Running circles around each other through the hospital. She only eats in the cafeteria when she know's he'll be in surgery and any free time is spent in the tunnels and the skills lab than in the attendings lounge.

It takes every last ounce of willpower she possesses to get up every morning, go to work, and wear a smile so her colleagues won't know whats wrong, but she does it, because if there's one thing she's learned, it's that April Kepner is a soldier. So she checks on her patients, and performs her surgeries, and doesn't let on that anything is different. Alex antagonises her and Christina makes a joke or two when they hear she and Jackson have broken up, but for the most part no one notices anything, they're clueless. Just the way they're supposed to be.

She moves into Meredith's old house, along with Christina, and despite the cardio surgeon's sarcastic comments and clutter left all over the living room, it's a comfortable arrangement, and April's happy to have the company.

She needed to keep her mind occupied. To continue walking the tightrope. Her life has always been a series of balancing acts. She's always kept her mind clear and focused, and her heart closed off from distractions, and for the most part there was never anyone to disturb the rythym, until Jackson came along.

But the circus act she's perfected over the last twenty eight years is suddenly shifting and changing, everything is unfamiliar. She's not a board certified surgeon, she's lost her best friend, and the man she was falling in love with, and there's a baby growing in her belly.

She hasn't told anyone yet, can't tell anyone. Least of all Jackson. How do you tell the person you love the most that you lied to them? So it stays a secret, until she can decide what to do. How to pull herself out of the wreckage she's created.

So she focuses on trauma, devotes all of her time to the ER and the clinic, and reshaping the interns, who seem to think the hospital is one big sorority party, where someone else will come along to clean their messes.

Shane Ross is the first one on her list. He's assigned to her service today, on outpatient surgery. Normally she'd be happy to see someone so enthusiastic for their job, but today his excitement, along with the morning sickness she's been experiencing the last few days, is already beginning to give her a migraine.

"Dr Kepner! I'm here, I'm ready. I'm excited." He says as he strolls up to where she's standing at the nurses station.

"-Stop right there." She cuts him off before he can go any further.

" That fake enthusiasm, I see right through it Ross. I don't appreciate insubordination, so instead why don't you order these charts by date of appointment made."

"Uh okay." He looks confused for a moment, before staring at the charts.

"Problem?"

"No, no, no. It's just outpatient surgery.. I was hoping I'd be doing some surgery.. on the outpatients."

She can't help but laugh at that. Be careful what you wish for, Ross.

"Oh you'll be cutting, Dr Ross. It's lump and bump day. This hospital likes to schedule all of it's outpatient surgeries on one day, so one lucky surgeon will find themselves spending the better part of twelve hours carving out glorified pimples."

"Today, you're that surgeon. Come with me." She feel's slightly bad about the attitude she gives him throughout the rest of the day, but by the end of it she has a newfound respect for the overly eager intern, and she can tell he's appreciated her lesson on patient care.

It's enough to warrant a small smile from her, which doesn't last long as a wave of nausea hits her and she rushes to the ladies room.

It's not until the last of it fades that she comes out of the stall, bumping right into Meredith.

"Oh, hey!" She says, going over to the sink.

"April, are you okay?" Meredith asks as she looks at the redhead.

"Uh yeah, yeah I'm fine. Shouldn't have had the meatloaf I guess." She says, washing her hands at the sink.

"It's jumbalaya day." Meredith says as she crosses her arms.

"What's going on?"

"Um." Biting her lip, she can feel a tear make it's way down her cheek. "I'm pregnant."

"Oh." It's one of the first time's she's seen Meredith look truly shocked.

"Oh my god. Jackson?"

"He doesn't know."

"You can't tell him, Meredith. Promise me you won't say anything!"

"Hey, I won't tell.. As long as you don't tell anyone I'm pregnant either."

"Wh-what? When did you find out?"

"Derek and I found out last week. We're not telling anyone yet. You're the first to know, so shh."

Meredith winks at her, and April can't help but find comfort in the fact that someone is going through the same thing she is.

"That's great, that's so great."

They start laughing then, until both of them have tears running down their cheeks.

"We're having babies."

"Yeah. We're having babies."

* * *

After she tell's Meredith it's like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

It becomes a secret thing between the two of them. Alex is busy with pedes and Christina is putting even more hours into impressing Dr Russell so it becomes just the two of them for a while.

Meredith gives her tips on taking care of a child, and they spend lunch breaks with Zola in daycare. They even go to their first ultrasound together.  
They make appointments at Seattle Presbyterian under fake names, and come out with matching sonogram pictures.

They're back at the hospital by four, and any happiness April feels is short lived by the fact that Jackson is eating his lunch at the table in the attendings lounge when she walks in.

"Oh. Hey." It's hard to keep the quiver out of her voice.

"Hey." He says, looking up at her.

"How was your craniofacial?" She asks.

It amazes her, really. How easily they avoid the elephant in the room, skating over their memories together, careful not to put too much pressure on already thin ice.

"Uh yeah, it was great. Kid's going to be fine." He says, going back to his lunch.

They don't speak after that, neither really knowing what to say. He stares at her for a minute, then finishes his lunch and leaves her alone in the room.

Later that night when she's alone in her bedroom, she stares at the sonogram picture in her hand. One small blip amongst a sea of black.

She imagines a future filled with tiny hands and soft giggles. A little person with dark curly hair and soft olive skin and ten perfect toes. She never thought it would be possible to love someone so much that she hasn't met yet. Maybe this baby will have his eyes and her laugh. A perfect piece of the two of them.

She speaks for hours, telling it stories about surgeries and patients and all about her co-workers, and before she goes to sleep she tucks it away in a book about a woman stronger than she is, and promises herself that she'll tell Jackson soon.

Another week passes and brings with it the arrival of Dr Baileys wedding. April welcomes the distraction and is the first one to offer to take on all of the older surgeons patients in lieu of her big day. If Bailey's grateful, she doesn't show it, instead filling her head with facts and case information about all of her patients until April's sure her head is going to explode.

She doesn't see much of Meredith or Jackson, knows they're both busy preparing for Derek's nerve graft, so she has lunch with Alex and Christina in the cafeteria.

"Freakin' interns." Alex says, as he takes a seat beside her at the table.

"What have they done now?" She asks, munching on her apple piece covered with peanut butter.

"You try and do one nice thing for them and suddenly you're the bad guy." He says scowling.

"What the hell are you eating?"

"An apple." She says matter of factly. She'd had a craving earlier, so she'd grabbed a jar of peanut butter from the attendings lounge and covered her lunch with it.

"You're so frikkin weird sometimes, Kepner."

She can't help but smile at that. It's nice to know that despite the monumental changes going on in her life, and her body, some things still stay the same.

Meredith joins them shortly after Alex has left, and they begin talking about Bailey's weddings.

"Flowers, music. It's a recipe for disaster." April says, putting her head in her hands.

"April, you're going to be fine. Don't worry about it." Meredith laughs.

"Oh, come on. Don't tell her she's going to be fine." Christina says raising her eyebrows.

"One look at Avery in his tux, and next thing you know her dress is off and they'll be doing the hippity dippity in the coat room." Christina says as takes a bite out of her salad.

"Oh my god." Her head shoots up and she begins to panic.

"Oh my god. The dress."

Her dress. She's been so pre-occupied with everything else going on lately that she hadn't even thought about what she's going to wear.

Let alone, something that hides her growing baby bump. It's still only small, but something tight fitting would surely give it away to any of her colleagues. They are doctors, after all.

She sends Meredith a panicked look, who obviously understands what she's thinking before rushing out of the cafeteria.

The best course of action is obviously to avoid the wedding all together, and when she brings the idea up to Bailey later that day it's immediately shut down.

"Just because you broke up with Avery and don't want to face him again at the wedding, doesn't mean you're getting out of it. Suck it up, Kepner. If I have to go, you have to go." The general surgeon says handing her a patient file and storming off down the corridor.

When she see's Jackson filling out paperwork at the nurses station an hour later, she decides they both need to bring dates, as distractions.

"I think you should bring a date to Dr Bailey's wedding." She tells him as she comes to stand beside him.

If he looks surprised at the suggestion, he doesn't show it. Simply tells her that he can't find a date within a day's notice.

When she spots Edwards near the nurses station, It doesn't register in her mind that it's a bad idea, until she's already opened her mouth.

"Dr Edwards, how would you like to go to Dr Bailey's wedding with Dr Avery?" She asks.

Jackson tries to cut her off, but she elbows him in the stomach.

"He'd love to go with you, but he was too embarrassed to ask." Seeing the glare he's shooting at her, she smiles up at him.

"Um, okay." Edwards runs off after that, still looking frazzled.

"Great. See you later."

"What about you? You pick mine, I pick yours right. That's how this works." He says as he looks around the hospital.

"Oh, um I was actually thinking I wouldn't bring a date." April says, biting her lip nervously.

"Oh no, you started this." He breaks off, spotting Shane walking down the corridor.

"Doctor Ross!"

It's not until after he's coerced Shane into agreeing to be her date and she's left alone in the hallway that she starts regretting ever mentioning the idea at all.

The next few hours are spent checking on the last of Bailey's patients and by the time Meredith has helped her squeeze into one her old dresses it's almost time to leave.

Unconsciously running a hand over the smooth emerald silk covering her abdomen, she's just finishing the last of her make up, when she looks into the mirror and spots Jackson looking at her.

She can't help but look back at him, standing there in his tux, and for a moment she allows herself to think about what he'd look like at their own wedding, the one she ruined the idea of.

Imagining him standing before her in a church, amongst all of her friends and family, while she walks down the aisle in her mother's dress.  
Their wedding night. Their child.

She blinks and he stops looking at her, instead choosing to struggle with his tie.  
She doesn't even realise what she's doing until she's standing in front of him, putting her hands over his.

"Here. Let me."

Being so close to him again, feeling the warmth radiating from his skin, sets her nerve endings on fire. When his eyes find hers, she feels something clench in her chest, catching at her chest and banging against her heart. She can feel her hands shaking as she plays with the silk material, and fights the urge to press her hand against her mouth and physically force the feeling back down.

"All done." Taking a step back from him she let's out the breath she didn't realise she was holding. They still haven't looked away.

"Thanks." The words are so soft she barely catches them, but before they can say anything else Alex is ordering them all out of the room. She blinks and the moment's gone, but she's still caught in the pull.

"Let's go, people. Move it."

She agrees to drive with Shane to the ceremony, and by the time they get there the other surgeons are already in their seats.  
Shane finds them seats towards the front, and she can't help but let out a groan when he chooses two directly in front of Jackson and Stephanie. Perfect.

"You alright, Dr Kepner?"

"Perfect, Shane. Just perfect." She gives him an awkward smile and looks over her shoulder at her former boyfriend and his intern who are in an animated conversation. This is definitely high on the list of worst ideas she's ever had.

An hour later when they're all still waiting, and Bailey's fiance is wearing holes in the carpet around the altar the call comes in that Bailey's stuck in surgery and they're all to head to the reception.

She lets out a sigh of relief, and upon arriving at the reception hall makes a bee line for the bar, until remembering that she can't drink. Tonight is going to be a long night.

The reception's a surprisingly large affair. Violinists, centerpieces overflowing with white roses, and fake snow covering nearly every surface.  
It's beautiful, the kind of wedding dreams are made of.

When Bailey arrives an hour later, it doesn't take long for everyone to get into the wedding spirit, and before she knows it the rest of her colleagues are already deep into drinks.

It's not until Jackson turns his head towards the bar and she see's Stephanie staring at him and giggling with Jo that she feels the first signs of nausea threaten to creep in. "Excuse me."

She pushes her chair back from the table, and rushes out of the room, onto the balcony. She braces her hands against the railing and doubles over, trying to take deep breaths to steady herself. This must be what a panic attack feels like, she thinks.

Meredith is the one that finds her, coming up and leaning beside her on the balcony.

"Hey. Jackson asked me to come and check on you."

"He did? He seemed a little busy to me." It's silly, really, she knows it's the hormones partly responsible for making her this jealous.

"You know, everyone has a person, April." Meredith says.

" A person they keep going back to, over and over again because they can't be completely happy without them. When Derek went back to his ex wife, I didn't know what I was going to do. I went crazy. But even though it seemed like life was throwing every obstacle in our path, we found our way back to each other." Meredith tells her, nudging her shoulder.

"Jackson's your person, April."

"How do I know? What if he's not." It's a lie and she knows it. He's always been her person, even during their intern years.

"You just do."

She thanks Meredith and sits outside for a few more minutes, composing herself.

When she walks back inside, Jackson is sitting alone at their table. He stands up, once he sees her walk over.

"Hey. You okay? you rushed out of here pretty quick."

"Oh yeah, yeah. I'm feeling better now. I just needed some air."

"Good. I was going to-"

"Dance with me." She says.

She's not sure what makes her say it, but she can't take it back now, and if, when she finally tells him the truth about her pregnancy and everything is ruined between them, at least she'll have this moment.

"Yeah." He says, looking at her.

"I'd love to." She lets him take her hand as they make their way on to the dance floor, moving to a spot towards the back of the room.

She looks over his shoulder at the couples around them. Derek and Meredith, Bailey and her husband, even Christina is dancing with Owen. It feels right.

His hand comes to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer, and she let's her head rest in the crook of his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his skin radiating through his suit jacket. The song changes to a slower pace and they sway together, not speaking, in perfect sync.

In her head, she can't help but think that Meredith is right. Her and Jackson really are made for each other, two connecting pieces of the right puzzle.  
They've danced around each other for years, always knowning how to move together, and apart. Her heart tugs at the thought of so many wasted years, and opportunities. When she looks up to find him staring at her all she can see in his eyes is their entire life unfold up until this moment.

"I've missed you." He says.

She doesn't say anything back, just continues staring up into his eyes, and when he leans in towards hers, she knows whats going to happen next but her panic kicks in and she steps back from him, his hands falling away from her waist.

"I need to go." She manages to say, but can already feel the sharp sting of tears behind her eyes.

"April. Don't do this."

She can hear him calling her name as she rushes off the dance floor, but she's too focused on getting away from him before she does something that will only complicate things later.

Shane's understanding when she asks him to take her home, even offering to stop and get her fast food on the way. Her stomach's still tangled up in knots but the chocolate milkshake she sips along the drive home is a welcome distraction.

When she finally makes it home she's too physically and emotionally drained to do anything other than collapse into her bed, fingering the sonogram picture sticking out of the book by her bedside before falling asleep.

As she's getting ready for work the next day, the first thing she notices is that her pants are a little tighter around the waist. Hardly noticeable unless you know what to looks for, but she grabs a bigger scrub top to cover it just in case and smooths her hands over the fabric. It's a scary reminder of how fast things are moving, and she decides that it needs to be soon, she has to Jackson soon.

Running away from him on the dance floor had been an overreaction. She should have let him kiss her, she'd wanted him to kiss her. It was an obvious indicator that he still has some feelings for her, and if that's the case then he needs to know the truth.

She chickens out during lunch, but after a pep talk from Meredith she feels confident again and finds out he's up in the burns unit doing a consult.

The walk feels like an eternity, but she spots him at the end of the corridor. It's the sound of his name though that halts her as she approaches the nurses station.

"Avery? As in Jackson Avery, aka gorgeous eyes over there?" It's Leah Murphy's voice, and she wonders who she's talking to.

"Uh-huh. I thought he wasn't even interested, because he was blowing me off all night. But then he found me after he'd finished dancing with Kepner and asked if I wanted to get out of there with him." It's Edwards voice.

"Nice. Where'd you do it?"

"The back of his car."

"Classy!"

She's not sure how long she stands there after the girls walk off down the corridor continuing their conversation, just that it's long enough to feel the precise moment her cardiovascular walls seize up and her heart caves in.

That was it then. It was over. He obviously no longer had any feelings for her if he was so willing to sleep with someone else. A part of her wants to hate Edwards for sleeping with him, but it's her own fault for insisting he take her to the wedding.

The only distraction from her thoughts is the slight movement that shoots through her stomach. She rests her hand on her stomach and thinks _It's just you and me now, kiddo._

She doesn't see much of Jackson over the next few days, until she bumps into him down in the clinic towards the end of a very long shift..

He comes over to where she's standing at the nurses station and it's hard to look at him without thinking back to the conversation she'd overheard the previous week.

"Hey."

"Hey."

He looks hesitant as he stands in front of her, and she thinks she knows what he's going to say before he says it.  
She's right of course, but it does nothing to stop her heart breaking into a thousand pieces when he actually says the words.

"I'm kind of sleeping with Stephanie." He says slowly, gauging her reaction.

She'd prefer it if he just said it quickly and left, like ripping off a band aid.

"It's probably going to get out and I just wanted you to hear it from me."

"Yeah, I-I'd heard." She says, looking down at her charts, fighting the tears.

"You had?" She's not sure if it's the intensity of his gaze or the lack of distance between their bodies but she says the first thing that pops into her head.

"I miss you."

"April.." She can't tell what he's thinking by his tone, but his eyes soften.

"I know I don't have any right to say that, but we were best friends Jackson, and now.. now we can barely have a conversation."

"We're still best friends.."

"No. We're not. Because I'm standing here looking at you and all I want to do is kiss you."

His hand reaches out and brushes the lone tear making it's way down her cheek, and she closes her eyes.

"It still hurts to look at you and know that we can't be together. So no, I-I'm not ready to be your best friend again yet."

He doesn't have anything to say back to that, just stands there looking at her. His hand trails down her arm, lingering on her hand, but it's contact she's not ready for, so she steps back.

"Thank you for telling me."

She moves past him into her patients room and begins going over his vitals, with her back to the door. She doesn't see the way that Jackson stares after her as she moves around the room.

The following day Edwards is assigned to her service, and April can't help but think Jesus really is punishing her.

An emotional encounter with her ex yesterday, and having to work with his new girlfriend today is just too much.

Maybe it's the hormones or just the fact that the intern is sleeping with the father of her child that has her patience wearing thin, but either way it has April lashing out at the young doctor for every mistake she's making, starting with the fact she's late for rounds.

She finds her outside the doors to the E.R talking to Dr Wilson, their voices carrying down the corridor as she walks up towards them.

"Yeah, apparently he and Dr Kepner were a thing. Like they were this big item, and then one day he just dumps her out of nowhere." Jo says.

"Jackson's never mentioned it. Guess he got over her pretty quick." Edwards says as the two start laughing.

She can't help but cut in to their conversation, feeling her hormones flare up at the way they're speaking so candidly in the hallways.

"As much as I'd love to hear you continue your theories on my love life Dr Edwards, you're late for rounds." Her voice comes out like steel and the two girls spring apart, turning to look at her with wide eyes.

"Dr Kepner. I-I-I'm so sorry. That was totally unprofess-."

"Save it, Edwards. You're on scut for the next month, there's a patient with a rotting abscess in bed three, and another with a nasty bowel obstruction in bed four.."

"Wilson, get up to peds before I have a long chat with Dr Karev about how his interns like to gossip about their attendings in the hallways when they should be saving lives."

"If I ever catch you two talking about my personal life inside the walls of this hospital you'll be lucky if you see the inside of an O.R again before the end of your residency.

As the two girls take off at lightning speed, April can't help but feel a little proud of herself, and when she feels the slight fluttering in her stomach in response she smiles. _You're proud of me too huh, little one_.

The rest of her shift continues on without much interruption. The ER is fairly quiet, no major traumas to deal with so she leaves Stephanie with strict instructions to deal with it while she takes her dinner break. She finds Meredith and Christina taking their breaks in the attendings lounge and sits down beside them.

"Hey guys." She says, sitting down.

"Hey. Slow night?"

"Yeah, I left Edwards in charge of the E.R"

"That's risky." Christina says.

"Not really. I told her she'd be washing bed pans and scraping up _ for the next three months if everything wasn't running smoothly when I got back.

"Look at you, Kepner. Maybe you still have some of those virgin superpowers" Christina says, giving her a look of approval

"What about you guys, any surgeries tonight?"

"Actually, I need to get back up to cardio. I'm doing a vascular repair soon." Christina says as she heads out of the room.

"So I heard about Edwards and Jackson. I take it you didn't tell him?" Meredith asks.

"I can't." "It's really over."

"April, what do you think's going to happen in six months when you pop out a miniature version of him?"

"I dont know. I don't know how much longer I can hide it from everyone, look at you. You're only a few weeks ahead of me and you're already showing."

Meredith smiles and rubs her hand over the small bump protruding against her scrub top.

"You need to tell him. If not for you, then for your baby. Because coming from someone who grew up without one, it's going to need one."

"I know."

The conversation becomes lighter after that, as they both eat their dinner, only interrupted by April's cell phone ringing in her pocket.

She pulls it out and stares at the caller ID in confusion before answering.

"Dr Avery?" April asks.

"April, sweetie. How are you?" Catherine asks over the phone.

"Uh-Um I'm fine Dr Avery. Is everything okay?" She asks, wondering why Jackson's mother is calling her. Sure the two of them speak over facebook, but Catherine has to have heard they'd broken up.

"Oh yes, darling. Everything's fabulous. I wondered if you'd have a moment to speak with me."

"Of-of course. What can I do for you?"

Meredith motions to her that she'll see her later and leaves the room.

"I've got a small problem that I was hoping you'd be able to help me with."

"Um I can try. Is it Jackson, because you know we broke up."

"Yes, I know all about that. Some nerve that boy has, I don't know who raised him when I wasn't looking. But this isn't about him, this is about you darling."

"I've just found out that one of our trauma fellows here in Boston is planning on leaving our program, and I thought you might be able to provide me with a replacement."

"Oh, well I-I don't really know anyone here who is specializing in trauma-" She tells her, wondering why she'd ask April for a recommendation. Catherine cuts her off before she can finish.

"No, no, you misunderstand me sweetheart. I'm talking about you. I want you in our program."

"Me? But, but I failed my boards.."

"Oh darling, that doesn't mean anything. I've already spoken to Richard and Dr Hunt and they both inform me you're the best trauma surgeon they have."

"Wow, I-this is so sudden."

"I know, baby. Why don't you think about it and give me a call next week."

"Yeah, okay, sure that, that sounds great. Thank you, Dr Avery."

"How many times have I told you to call me Catherine, darling. Now take care, and keep an eye on my boy."

When she ends the call, April sits there staring at her phone in shock. Working at the Brigham was always a dream of hers ever since she'd first decided she wanted to be a doctor, and to be able to work alongside Jackson's mother, one of the most respected in her field would do amazing things for her career.

If she took the job, it would get her out of Seattle and away from Jackson, but she's sure Catherine would take one look at her and be able to tell she was carrying her son's child inside her. _When did everything become so confusing?_


	5. Part Four - Greet Death

Hey readers, sorry for the delay in updates.

I've been too busy mourning the loss of our ship on the recent eppy's, and wondering if Shonda is getting any joy out of ruining our lives and messing with our emotions week after week.

There's a quote in this chapter that's taken from a particularly amazing episode  
of One Tree Hill.

Kudo's to you if you recognize the reference!

How Do These Hearts Unfold - Part IV

* * *

The days following Catherine's phone call pass by too quickly for April.

In a matter of days the lawsuit filed by Meredith, Derek and the rest of the doctors involved in the plane crash is settled, and after the doctors are each awarded a payout of $15 million each, the future of Seattle Grace Mercy West is on the chopping block.

The arrival of Alana Cahill, the hospitals appointed financial advisor, does nothing to soothe anyones worries, least of all April's.  
It's the reason she's spent the last eight hours locked in a conference room with Dr Shepherd trying to save the hospitals E.R after  
it was announced they would have to close it to cut costs.

The OR's had already been re-organized to ensure maximum efficiency, or so they were told yesterday morning, and cameras with remote assistants had been installed on nearly every floor of the hospital.

With the closure of the E.R it would mean Seattle Grace Mercy West would become more like a science research facility and less like an actual hospital, that focused primarily on it's patient care and the ability to save their lives.

"It's going to work right. It has to." She says, pacing around the conference room.

They'd spent the entire night in the hospital grooming over department funding and expense reports looking for areas to cut back to ensure the E.R would be able to stay afloat, and nine caffeine deprived hours later April's nerves were getting the best of her.

"Of course. If Durham cuts a fellow and skips the TED conference, and plastics and ortho share lab facilities we'll get a little bit here, a little bit there.  
We'll have enough saved to keep the E.R alive." Derek says, ruffling through the papers on the table.

"It's going to work."

"They're going to be mad about the TED conference." She says.

"Oh ouch." She doesn't mean to say that last sentence out loud, but the swift movement in her abdomen causes her to stop pacing and press her hand to her stomach.

"April, what is it?"

"Oh my god." She breathes out, realising what's happening.

"Oh my god."

It kicked. She presses her hand down a fraction harder and feels the response again, this time stronger. There's a slight pain, but it's not uncomfortable. It's soothing, really.

"Is it food poisoning? I knew we shouldn't have ordered from that chinese place." Derek says, pointing to the empty takeout cartons spread across the conference room table.

"No, no, Dr Shepherd. It's not food poisoning." She reaches up to wipe away the tear trailing down her cheek.

"It kicked. The baby kicked." She says. To April, this is what makes it real. Despite the sonograms and check ups, this is the real cold hard evidence that inside her belly there is a tiny human growing.

"Wh-You're pregnant?" He asks.

"I'm pregnant." It's the first time she's seen the neurosurgeon look truly shocked, and she can't help but laugh, as she shakes her head yes.

"Wow. Uh congratulations. Who else knows?"

"Just Meredith. I uh, I haven't told anyone else yet." She says.

"Meredith? She didn't even tell me." He says, looking lost for words.

"You know what this means. Zola and McBaby will have a new play mate."

She can't help but laugh at that.

"Yes, yes they will."

"and the father?" He asks, although she thinks maybe he already knows.

"He doesn't know. He has enough to worry about at the moment, and I-I don't think he's ready to be involved in something like this."

Derek seems to understand that she doesn't want to go into details, so he nods his head and gives her a hug, and they leave the conference room to go present their plan to Owen and Alanna Cahill.

"Okay then. How about we go save our E.R."

She misses the concerned look he gives her retreating back as she exits the conference room before him.

As it turns out their efforts to save the E.R are in vein, and a complete waste of their night.  
The hospital is being presented for sale to a potential buyer and the closure of the emergency room is non negotiable.

To say it's a disappointment is a complete understatement, and the cheery mood April has been in for the last few hours evaporates quickly after that.

She excuses herself from the conversation with her fellow doctors and makes her way towards the E.R, hoping for at least one more trauma case before she goes back to being an administrative assistant, instead of a surgeon.

Of course luck would have it that Stephanie Edwards is on her service again today.  
The last thing she needs after the morning she's had is to have to take care of her ex boyfriends new girlfriend, so after she fails to remember which patients are assigned to which beds, she tasks her with moving the excess supplies down to the operating rooms.

"Uh Dr Kepner, I thought I would be on trauma today."

She's not sure why she says it, it could be the particularly hard kick the baby gives her underneath her scrub top, combined with the migraine she's developing, and the fact that this years interns seem to think their entitled to something without having to work for it.

"Dr Edwards, having to be in the same room with you is traumatic enough for me as it is, okay. So when I ask you to do something I expect you to do it, and right now I want you moving those supplies down to the O.R's and as far away from me as possible."

"Uh-I."

"That. Is. It." She snaps, picking up a chart and moving towards the ambulance that's approaching.  
She avoids the confused look Jackson gives her as he walks in on the last of their conversation.

"April."

"Not now, Jackson. Just not now, okay."

"What have we got?" She asks the paramedic as he unloads the stretcher.

"Thirty two year old male. Car versus motorcycle. Significant injuries to the chest and abdomen and signs of internal bleeding."

Thank you, God. This is exactly what she needs.

After a successful surgery on her motorcycle patient the first thing April does is take a break in the attendings lounge, intent on relaxing for the next twenty minutes with a cup of tea and her feet up.

The only other person in there is Jackson, and it's enough to make her consider abandoning the idea of a hot drink and a moment of peace and quiet in lieu of eating in the cafeteria instead.

"Hey." She says, as she shuts the door behind her.

"Hey. You okay?" He says warily.

"Fine."

"You sure? You seemed a little riled up earlier.." He stops there, not really sure if he should continue.

"Look Jackson, I don't really have time to deal with your girlfriends attitude problem or lack of respect for her attendings, and I really don't have time to explain my actions to you so..

"Woah woah, slowdown." He says, standing up.

"First of all, she's not my girlfriend. It's not serious. And second, I was only asking because you look like you're having a bad day." His tone is defensive now, and April can tell she's upset him.

She feels terrible. As emotionally confused as she is over her ex boyfriend, and the fact she's spent the last month and a half trying to figure out how to tell him she lied about their pregnancy scare, at the end of the day he's still been there for her. Like right now. Anyone else would see she's in a bad mood and steer clear, but not Jackson.

"Jackson, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm crazy, you know." She says, hoping that's explanation enough.

"I know." He says, shaking his head.

"I know you are." The smile he gives her, and the way he says the words a second time, more to himself and with a note of tenderness are enough to make her take a deep breath.

Neither of them really know what to say next, so she guesses it's a good thing her pager chooses that moment to go off.

* * *

"Did you hear?"

April lifts her head up from the mountain of patient files she had been sleeping on, to see Alex standing around the nurses station.

"Hear what? What time is it?" Her voice comes out groggier than she intended it to, and she's certain her hair is a mess.  
She can count the number of hours she's slept in the last two days on one hand.

"They all quit. They just freakin' walked out." Alex says, kicking the corner of the nurses desk.  
He shoots a dirty look at on the nurses who makes a fussing noise at him.

"Who quit?"

"Everyone. Mer, Christina, Derek, Torres and Robbins."

"Hunt said that after the nurses left, if the hospital loses anymore staff Pegasus will back out of the deal, and then they all just walked out.  
They screwed all of us."

"Woah, wait a minute. They wouldn't just quit without telling any of us. It has to be a mistake."

She'd only spoken to Dr Shepherd hours ago and he hadn't mentioned anything about wanting to leave, and Meredith would have told her.  
She definitely would have told her.

"Well they did. Guess now they have all that money they don't care what happens to the little people. I knew I should have freakin' picked Hopkins." Alex tells her, as he walks away.

If what he's saying is true that means that in less than a week she'll be jobless, homeless and working back home at the tasty freeze.

Her hands reach for the nearest phone and she dials the number before she really has time to think about what she's doing.

"Hello, Dr Avery. It's April.. April Kepner. I wanted to tell you that I've made a decision, and I'd love to work for you in Boston."

When she gets off the phone with Catherine, she feels a little better about things. Sure, she's going to be leaving her friends, and the hospital she's come to think of as a home but at least when the baby comes it will have a roof over the top of it's head.

It also means it's time for her to tell Jackson. Having him not know is one thing, but April's sure that working in the same hospital as his mother, the woman will give her one look and be able to tell she's carrying her grandchild.

* * *

After she finishes checking on her patients for the night she finds Jackson downstairs in one of the surgery rooms.

"Hey. Uh our pancolectomy patient was discharged, said to say thanks." She says, killing time until she decides the best way to break the news.

How else do you tell the father of the child you're carrying that you've been lying to him for the last three months and that you're now moving away to work with his mother.

"Lyposuction day?"

"High volume, high price tag. Because when Pegasus trims the fat so do I." He jokes.

Jackson's always been quick with one liners, but it doesn't take a genius for April to figure out her former best friend is feeling the stress of potentially losing his job. Of course, with a single phone call he could have an interview at any hospital in the country, but she know's that Seattle really is his home now, and he'd be reluctant to leave the department his mentor had spent so much time building.

She doesn't say anything, and he looks up at her.

"What's the matter?" He asks.

It amazes her that he can still know her so well.

She shakes her head. "I can't talk about it."

"Why because of her?" He motions to his patient, leaning closer to the operating table and calling her name. "Trust me, she's blato."

"April, come on. Tell me what's up?"

"No, I mean. I don't know how to talk to you about it. I could when we were friends but.." _But, now we're not, we're stuck in limbo, dancing along the fine line of friendship and intense feelings we've perfected the last few months._

"We seriously can't be friends now?"

He looks genuinely hurt by her comment.

"No Jackson, we can. It's just.. this is too much."

"How about this, I will tell you a thing I would tell you when we were friends." He says, continuing to operate on his patient.

"My mom is driving me nuts about taking a bigger role in the Harper Avery foundation. Grow up child, get your legacy on."

She can't help but laugh at his imitation of Catherine Avery. Of course she knows all about his current predicament, having just spoken to his mother a few hours ago.

"Yeah, she told me about that. It's not bad advice." She says.

"Wait you still talk to my mother?" He asks.

"Umm.. did I say that? I meant I'd heard about that, you know, um through the grapevine." Nice one, Kepner.

"April." He says, looking at her.

"Okay, okay. It's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Is she using you to spy on me now? You know what, you're a crappy friend. You're supposed to side with me." He says, starting to close up his patient.

"Jackson!"

"See, now you go."

"Actually it kind of has to do with your mother. She uh, she offered me a job in Boston."

He stops what he's doing and stares at her.

"What?"

"One of their trauma fellows is leaving the program in a few weeks and she offered me the job. I.. I told her I needed some time to make a decision, I mean this is a huge decision you know."

"You're going to leave.. again." He says. "Unbelievable."

She can tell even through his surgical mask that he's angry. He has that knit in his eyebrows he always gets whenever something upsets him.

"No, no, it's not like that."

"I just, I have something going on in my life right now and maybe getting out of here would be the best thing for me. Seattle's my home, Jackson. But the hospital's closing and I'm not even going to have a job here next week."

"Tell me."

"Wh-what?"

"Tell me what the problem really is. You've been different for weeks. You'd never consider leaving Seattle unless there was something really going on, so tell me."

"Okay.. Okay, I..

This is it, she thinks. She can do it, now. She can tell him, and they can do this.

"We can do this." She whispers to herself.

"Do what? April, just tell me."

It's the second time that day her pager interrupts their conversation, and she's not sure whether to be relieved or disappointed.

"It's 911. I..I've gotta go." She says, rushing out of the room. She can hear him calling her name as she runs down the corridor.

When she finally finishes the end of her 48 hour shift she's thankful that she has the following day off. She falls asleep clutching the sonogram picture and whispering lullabies to the tiny human growing inside of her.

The first thing she does when she wakes up is to call Meredith until she picks up, and after the other surgeon refuses to tell her anything over the phone the two agree to meet up that afternoon.

She spends the morning sorting through boxes in her apartment, and calling her parents. She doesn't mention that they'll be grandparents in a few months, but instead tells them about Boston and distracts them with questions about her sisters.

When she hangs up an hour later, she feels better. She drives over to Meredith and Derek's house after lunch, and is greeted by Zola when she opens the front door.

"Why hello princess, I missed you."

She picks up the smaller girl and twirls her around, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

Zola giggles and when April puts her down she runs to fetch her tea pot, waving it back at forth and pointing to the miniature table and chairs.

"Oh I'd love some tea, thank you miss Zola." She pretends to sip from her cup, while Zola waves the teapot in the air.

"Momma." She says, pointing at Meredith when she emerges from the hallway.

"Yes sweetheart, Momma would love some tea."

"She's in love with this tea party set Derek bought her. She's going to be the most spoiled little girl ever."

"I had one just like her when I was a little girl."

"She's so perfect. What if this one's a monster." Meredith says, poking her stomach.

"It's not going to be a monster." April laughs, as Meredith sits down.

"Now, tell me everything. I was so worried when you Alex told me you all quit. What are you going to do now? Are you going to go to a different hospital? In Seattle-"

"April, slow down." Meredith says, picking Zola up and putting her on her lap.

"We did it."

"Did what?"

"We bought the hospital?"

"You..what?"

"We bought it. It's ours. We all put our money together and Jackson's mom put in the rest and we own it."

"Wait, Catherine Avery?"

"She swooped in this morning and offered to use the Harper Avery foundation to fund the majority of the money we needed."

"Does Jackson know?"

"That his mommy made him king of the castle? Yeah, he's the majority vote on our board of directors."

"Oh god."

"So, the hospital's not closing?"

"Nope. Although by tomorrow it will probably be called the Harper Avery Hospital." Meredith joked.

"Oh this is bad, this is so bad."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"No, no, don't get me wrong I'm so glad you all saved the hospital, but I accepted a job in Boston at the Brigham. When I thought the hospital was closing."

"Wait, you got a job at the Brigham?"

"I know, right. I'm not even board certified, but next thing I know Jacksons' mom is calling me up to offer me a position there."

"April, you can't go. What about the baby and Jackson."

"I know that, I only said yes because I thought the hospital was going to close. But how do I say no to Catherine Avery. Oh god, how do I always get myself in these situations."

"Let me speak to Derek, I'm sure he'll be able to call up Jacksons mom and tell her we've made you a better offer."

"But why would you do that?"

"You're boards are in what, two months and then you'll be certified, and we can make you a formal offer for your fellowship. Besides, we're a team. We're the baby squad."

They spend the next few hours playing with Zola, and it's not until April's getting ready to leave that Meredith stops her.

"You know he's your person, April."

"What?"

"Jackson. He's your person. Every one has one, and when they get hurt by that person they swear it's different, and they're done for good. But they aren't. They wish they were, but the thing is, they can't be. Because that person they keep going back to, they can't be completely happy without them. He's your person, April. And you need to tell him."

* * *

When April goes back to work the next day the first thing she expects to see isn't Catherine Avery standing in the entranceway talking to Jackson and Dr Webber.

She thinks maybe she can slip past them quietly without noticing, but she doesn't make it more than five steps before Catherine is calling her name.

"April, honey. There you are. I have a bone to pick with you."

She closes her eyes and tries to plaster a smile on her face before turning around, and walking over to them. She lets the older surgeon pull her in for a hug, and doesn't miss the way her eyes flick to her abdomen.

"Well, well, look's like you took my advice seriously, sweetie."

"What advice?" Jackson asks, looking between his former girlfriend and his mother.

Oh god, this is not how she wants Jackson to find out.

"Nothing, it's nothing." April says, panicking.

"I'd hardly call that nothing, honey."

"Maybe, we can talk about it later... privately." She says, using her eyes to plead with the older surgeon.

"Of course, dear. That wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about. I received a very interesting call from Dr Shepherd last night, informing me that they've made you a very tempting offer to stay here in Seattle."

"I.. I was going to call you today. I thought that maybe given my.. situation, staying in Seattle would be better suited for me right now." She says, quickly looking beside her at Jackson.

"What situation?" Jackson interjects.

"You hush, Jackson Avery. April and I are having a conversation. Lord, who raised you when I wasn't around."

"Catherine, perhaps you and April can have lunch together, let's leave these two alone for now." Dr Webber interjects, laying a hand on the urologists arm.

"Oh fine. April honey, come and find me at lunch time, we'll eat somewhere nice, my treat." She winks, before being dragged away by Dr Webber.

"Still think she's a trailblazer?" Jackson asks, narrowing his eyes at the retreating figures of his mother and former chief of surgery.

"More like a tsunami." April says, laughing.

"What was she talking about?" He says, looking her up and down, trying to see what his mother had seen.

"It's nothing, we can talk about it later. I heard about the hospital. Congrats." April says, trying to steer the conversation into a different direction. It seems to do the trick, as Jackson sighs and shakes his head.

"Yeah. Not exactly how I planned to get a promotion. I'm going to be lucky if I ever see the inside of an O.R again."

"Well if you need any help with paperwork you know that I make an excellent administrative assistant." She jokes.

"Yeah, but you make an even better surgeon." He says.

"Thank you." She says softly.

It's happening again, she can feel it. That current of magnetic electricity flowing through her body, as they both stand there looking at each other.  
Neither of them brave enough to make the first move to break it.

"Dr Avery."

April turns her head at the mention of his name, and see's Stephanie standing behind her. She rolls her eyes internally, and smiles when she feels a tiny kick inside her stomach. At least one person shares her opinion of the intern.

"I should go. Apparently the E.R's opening again today." She says, hoping to leave before having to make any awkward small talk.

"April.." Jackson says. He's obviously not sure what else to say, especially with his new girlfriend standing there, so she decides to let him off the hook.

"We'll talk later." She promises, walking away, not before hearing the intern ask Dr Avery, if he's available for a quick 'consult'.

She does however fail to hear Jackson turn her down, citing paperwork and a meeting on policy and procedure as an excuse.

His eyes follow her back as she steps on to the elevator at the end of the hallway.

* * *

After having an exhausting lunch with Catherine Avery, and fending off the urologists questions about her pregnancy and the paternity, which April refuses to divulge, she's looking forward to her shift in the new E.R. After three hours though, they've to have one serious injury come through the door and her hopes are beginning to be dashed.

April can tell she's not the only one longing for a surgery, as Jackson and Hunt have spent the morning trying to coerce patients into having a full body scan in the new lodox machine, and Christina's been skulking around the O.R board for hours.

She's about to start praying for someone to come in, so she'll actually get to see the lodox in action when Hunt gets the call saying a tanker's crashed and they need to be prepared for mass casualties.

She's partly thrilled at the prospect of some real trauma action, but also worried for everyone involved. Car crashes are deadly, combined with a tanker that risks exploding, she sends a quick prayer to Jesus that they don't lose too many patients today.

Over the next hour six ambulances arrive, each bringing with them critically injured patients.  
Meredith and Christina are assigned to a husband and wife that are brought in after their car collided with the tanker,  
and Hunt rushes off to the O.R with them, leaving April to supervise the intake of patients.

She assigns the interns to looking after the patients that have just arrived while she waits for the other ambulances and the rest of the injured victims.  
She's just about to update the ER board when she, along with the rest of the people in the room feel the explosion that comes from outside.

"Oh my god. Is everyone okay?" She asks, resting a hand on her stomach.

"Looks like that tanker blew." Jackson says as he walks into the E.R along with Dr Webber and Dr Ross.

"Son, I don't think that was the tanker." Dr Webber says, pointing outside the front doors to a man running around on fire.

Luckily there's paramedics outside who manage to extinguish the flames coming from the man, who it's revealed decided to have a cigarette while covered in gasoline from the tanker crash. April doesn't know whether to slap him or sedate him.

She sits down behind the desk, intent on updating the patient files, but can't help but glance over at Jackson leaning over his patient to treat his wounds.  
Her eyes linger longer than they should, trailing from his face, down his arms, and to his torso. Trying to ignore the way her lower body tingles as she watches his biceps flex as he reaches for various tools.

"Enjoying the view?" Meredith asks as she walks up to the desk.

"Huh, oh I was.. I wasn't.." April trails off, snapping her eyes away from Jackson.

"I. I thought you were in surgery." She says, hoping to change the topic of conversation.

"The wife didn't make it, and Christina and Owen are working on the husband" Meredith says, shrugging.

"Oh, that's too bad."

"How's the new E.R going?"

"Amazing. Look at this." She says, hitting a key on the tablet in front of her and pointing to the wall as the patient files update.

"You do get excited about things."

"And how's that going?" Meredith says, looking behind her to Jackson, who's attempting to calm down his patient.  
April guesses he's only just realized that he's burnt half his face off.

"Are you asking asking, because I really need to talk about this."

"Now I'm not sure if I'm asking."

"Okay, uh remember what it's like when you go to the carnival with someone.."

"You want to go to the carnival?" Meredith asks, looking confused.

"Because I've been already.. rode the rides."

"Oh. You went to the carnival with Jackson." Meredith says, smirking.

"I have ridden the rides, and they are good." "Now with these baby hormones, it's all I can think about." She whispers.

"I happen to be a big fan of the carnival. I go every chance I can get."

"You're right. You are definitely not the right person to be talking to about this." She says, going to greet the next ambulance.

"Who's going to carnival?" Jackson asks as he walks up to the desk.

"Not you, apparently." Meredith laughs before walking away.

More ambulances continue to arise as April runs inside with the paramedics who are wheeling a young woman in.

"What have we got?"

"Elise Cruz, thirty seven weeks pregnant, hypotensive in the field, with abdominal bruising and second degree burns on her right arm."

"Page OB." She yells to Leah, who's standing behind her.

"I'm Dr Kepner, can you tell me your name?" She asks the young woman.

"My name's Elise. But I don't care about me. Please save my baby. Just save my little girl." She cries, grabbing on to April's hand.

"How about I save you both." April promises her, rushing the stretcher over to one of the empty beds.

_Please Jesus, please let me save them._ She prays.

"Abdominal tenderness." She says, as one of the nurses checks Elise's vitals.

"Damnit, she's having D Cells. Her BP's dropping. Where's my OB consult?" She yells, looking around the ER.

"Elise, just stay with me okay, try to stay with me."

"Don't lose my baby, please, please."

"We're going to roll you on your side now, okay."

"Page OB!" She asks one of the nurses.

"Kepner. She's bleeding." Alex says, coming over.

'What?"

"Cords prolapsed. We need to secure it."

"Elise, this is going to hurt, but we need to secure your umbilical cord before it cuts off the baby's oxygen. Just hold my hand, okay." April says, kneeling down beside the bed.

She tries to ignore Elise's scream when Alex attempts to fix the cord.

"We need to get this baby out. Now." Alex says.

"Tell them to meet us in the OR."

By the time they've taken her up to surgery, and performed an emergency C section, she's already beginning to lose to much blood. The baby's fine, but it takes her and Alex four hours to stop the bleeding and patch her up, before moving her to the ICU.

* * *

She's on her way to give the husband an update when Jackson comes into the room.

"Hey. Alex told me she had a pretty nasty burn. How's she doing?"

"Not great. She's acidotic and her creatanines sky high." She tells him, as she inspects Elise's arm.

"I was going to go and give her husband an update. The baby's fine, perfect."

"That's good news."

"Yeah."

She repeats the story Elise had told her on the way up to surgery, about her husband and how they had lost contact after she moved away only to meet up again when they both randomly decided to move to seattle and join the same bowling league.

"How weird is that."

"That people join bowling leagues?" Jackson raises his eyebrow, taking a seat beside the bed.

"The universe kept pulling them together, just waiting for them to see that they were meant to be together, and then.." She trails off, wondering how god could let something like this happen to such good people.

"and then a tanker explodes and she ends up in the hospital." Jackson finishes for her.

"Yeah." She whispers.

"I should give the husband an update. I'll come back and check on her in a bit."

No sooner has she made it down to the waiting room her pager goes off alerting her of a 911.

"No, no, no." She whispers, rushing back upstairs.

When she gets back to Elise's room, Jackson and a team of nurses are in there with a crash cart.

"What happened?" She asks, reading the monitors.

"I was doing my exam, and she started bleeding from her incisions and her IV site. She dropped into VFib. We've shocked her once."

"I'll take over. Charge to 150! Clear!"

"No, no, come on Elise. Come on."

"200. Clear!"

"Push another epi." She hears Jackson tell the nurse.

"Clear!"

"Push more epi. Now!"

As a doctor, she knows it's useless. But she can't give up on her, she'd promised. She'd promised she'd save them both.

It's Jackson's hand on her arm that halts her.

"April, we lost her." He says, taking away the paddles.

She can't stop the tears before she rushes out of the room.

* * *

He finds her ten minutes later in the hallway, sitting on one of the gurneys.

He doesn't say anything, just sits down beside her.

"I don't know why this one's hitting me so hard." She tells him.

In truth, she does know though. It's not hard for her to see herself in Elise's situation.

Now she has to go and tell the woman's husband that she'd failed to save his wife, after she'd promised that she would see them both through this.

"It's not supposed to happen this way.. It's not right." She says, looking at him through her tears.

He places a hand on her back, rubbing in small circles. It's something he used to do for her when they were dating, when she'd had a particularly hard day. Today is definitely one of those days.

"I..I can't tell him, I can't make him feel worse just because I feel bad.."

"I'll do it." He offers.

It's one of the things she loves about him. He's always willing to do the hard work, if it will make someone feel better, even when it's uncomfortable.

"No, no. I can't let you do it. I'll do it.. I just need a minute." She says, shaking her head.

She can feel the tears coming, threatening to escape her body. She doesn't try to fight them, there's no point. Between the emotional day and the hormones, it's a useless battle.

Her head drops on to his shoulder as her body begins to shake, letting out all the emotions she's been feeling for the past few hours. She's not sure how long they sit there, it's probably minutes but it feels like hours.

Jackson doesn't say anything, or try to stop the tears as they fall, just brings her closer to him in his arms. It's the only place she wants to be, and she hates that she needed a situation like this for it to happen. There's a light touch to her forehead as he presses his lips there, and she tries to regain some sense of composure. As terrible as she feels, Elise's husband is waiting for an update, not knowing that his wife has just died, and she needs to tell him.

She straightens up, and lets out a shaky breath, looking up into his eyes. His face is so close to hers that she can feel his breath ghosting against her lips. She doesn't know who makes the first move, they both just lean in, inch by inch, until his lips gently press against hers.

It's a soft touch, and it

"I.. I have to go."

"April." He says, grabbing on to her arm as she tries to walk away.

"Jackson I have to go tell him."

"We have to talk about this."

"I can't.."

"Stop saying that. Just, look, just meet me at Joe's after you finish okay. Please."

"Okay.. Okay." She tells him, before walking off down the hallway.

He sits back against the wall, resting his head in his hands.

* * *

She's not sure why she decides to go, she know's it's a bad idea. But after telling Elise's husband, and finishing the end of her shift she finds herself walking into the bar.

She doesn't see him immediately, instead orders a glass of water and then spots him towards the back of room. But he's not alone, and he's not happy. Stephanie is standing in front of him, pointing and arguing.

April doesn't mean to eavesdrop, but it's hard to ignore the raised voices.

"Look, I'm sorry. Just let me explain." He says, attempting to put a hand on her shoulder, which she brushes off.

"Just shut up! Right now I need for you to not talk." Stephanie tells him.

"It's because you own the hospital now, right. That's why you haven't called me in eleven days. Because I hate myself, I hate that I know how many days it's been. But I need to know. Why. Why it's been eleven days." She says, and April can tell she's struggling not to cry.

She considers leaving before one of them notices her, but her curiosity gets the better of her. She needs to know, and understand.

"Because I own the hospital." He says softly.

"No. You don't get to lie to me. After everything, just be honest. Please."

He seems to struggle with deciding whether or not her should tell her, which prompts Stephanie into saying something that surprises all three of them.

"It's her, isn't it. She's the reason."

April can feel her heart stop beating.

"What?"

"You never stopped loving her, not enough for me to matter. I spent weeks waiting around hoping that one of those days you'd even remotely look at me the way you look at her, but I can't keep waiting. Even Bailey can manage to make me feel more important than I ever did in a room where she was next to you."

He doesn't seem to know what to say to that. If he denied it, they both know it would be a lie.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Steph."

"But you did." She says, picking up her bag and walking away.

She doesn't say anything when she brushes past April, just keeps her head down until she's out the door.

April doesn't move from her spot, she feels frozen.

Jackson turns around and see's her, seeming to freeze too.

"Hey." He says cautiously.

"Hi."

"Did you.." He trails off, and she knows he means did she witness that.

"Yeah."

"Maybe we should sit down."

She nods her head as she follows him over to a booth.

"I didn't want you to have to see that." He starts, unsure of what to say.

"It's fine.. Are you okay?" She asks.

"Yeah, Yeah I think I am."

"Do you want a drink?" He asks, gesturing to the bar.

"Uh no, no I can't."

"Does this have anything to do with what's been going on with you?" He says, sitting back down.

"I..

"April, just tell me." She can tell he's starting to get angry now, the way his voice lowers.

"I.. I can't."

"Dammnit." He says, banging his fist on the table.

"We're supposed to be best friends and you still don't trust me. You've had something going on for months that you won't talk to me about, half the time you can barely stand to be in the same room as me, then today you kissed me." He says, raising his voice.

She can tell everyone's starting to stare at them, and she sends Tom a look of apology. She's never been one to make a scene.

"You kissed me back, April. Then you left, again. You're always leaving me. I mean you were going to take a job in Boston just to get away from me. Why do you keep leaving me?" He asks.

"Because I didn't want you to leave me first."

"What do you mean?"

"Im pregnant." She says, feeling the tears start to fall.

"I lied. When we had that scare, it wasn't a scare, but I heard you telling Meredith that you weren't ready for this, so I lied. And I didn't know how to tell you." She says, crying.

"You're pregnant." He says, swallowing.

His eyes flick back up to hers then, and she can see the hurt in them.

"You're pregnant and you lied?" He asks, standing up.

"You've been lying to me all this time. Unbelievable"

"You were the one that left me Jackson. You left me first!"

"I wouldn't have left you if I had known!"

"Because you would have stayed with me out of obligation."

"I would have stayed with you because I love you."

"You love me? That's why it took you two minutes to get over me, and start sleeping with interns."

"You set me up with her! I thought that was what you wanted."

* "What I wanted? I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there was no one in the world you'd rather be with, and you'd rather be alone than without me." *

"How was I supposed to know that."

"You just are." She says, picking up her coat and rushing towards the door.

She can hear him fumbling in his jacket for change to cover his drink before following her, but she's got a good twenty seconds ahead of him, and she can make it to her car before he catches up with her.

Her foot catches on the top stair, sending her tumbling over on to the sidewalk.

She can taste the blood in her mouth as she lands on the cold cement, but it's the pain in her stomach that has the tears burning in her eyes again.

"No, no, please." She says, struggling to sit up. Her head's pounding, and she can barely open her eyes, her hand resting on her stomach as she feels the blood pooling there.

"April!"

She can barely make out Jackson's voice, as he runs towards her, before her eyes close again.

* * *

That's it for now, stay tuned for another update over the weekend.

Also I'd love to hear your thoughts about the latest episode!

Am I the only one that really didn't like the proposal, and thinks Matthew is obviously insecure enough that he needs to trap April with such a public proposal so that she can't say no without looking like a terrible person? Also they've only been dating what, a few weeks after they broke up and she's barely said I love you yet?


End file.
